30 Things I’m Not Allowed to Do in the Back Room of the Café Musain

1. I must not fill Prouvaire’s poetry books with dirty limericks, no matter how prettily he blushes.
2. Enjolras’ first name is not Louis-Antoine, nor should I spread around rumours that it is.
3. Nor should I spread rumors that Enjolras writes Robespierre/Saint-Just RPS.
4. There is no strict ban on attending meetings dressed as Delacroix’s Liberty, but it still won’t convince Enjolras to sleep with me.
5. The opening words of the Marseillaise are not “J’aimons les filles et j’aimons le bon vin.”
6. I am not allowed to bring in biology textbooks to prove that Lamarck is already dead.
7. Not allowed to ask Feuilly if he lies back and thinks of Poland when he’s in bed with Courfeyrac.
8. Not allowed to pass Pontmercy scraps of paper with “How do you keep a dolt busy for hours? Turn this paper over.” written on both sides.
9. Not allowed to give Joly lollipops that turn his tongue green.
10. Not allowed to leave ladders, black cats, or precariously-placed mirrors anywhere near Bossuet’s usual seat.
11. Nor horseshoes, for that matter, not after the Magnetism Incident.
12. Alcoholics Anonymous did not exist in 1832, so I should stop leaving pamphlets tucked discreetly into Grantaire’s belongings.
13. Must stop referring to Bahorel as “Sir Not Appearing In This Musical.”
14. Bossuet’s head is not an acceptable writing surface.
15. Not allowed to attend meetings clad only in a tricolor sash.
16. Definitely not allowed to suggest that Enjolras would have more success making speeches if he did so clad only in a tricolor sash.
17. Most emphatically not allowed to write Enjolras’ address on the wall of the Musain’s bathroom with “come here for a good time” scribbled under it.
18. Playing Guillotine instead of Hangman with the nearest available Ami when I’m bored is tacky and disrespectful, not an innocent leisure-time activity.
19. Raising the flagpole on the barricade is a public service. “Raising my flagpole” on the barricade is not.
20. Combeferre will probably not be amused if I look at his drawing of a moth and exclaim, “Oh! what a pretty butterfly!”
21. Or if I give him a roll of tape for Christmas, “to keep his glasses together.”
22. Not allowed to draw a mustache on Grantaire’s face while he’s passed out.
23. Or draw anything else for that matter.
24. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is not a suitable basis for a system of government.
25. Must stop making scandalous allegations about the nature of Joly and Bossuet’s relationship, as said allegations are shameless and deplorable falsehoods. Really they are. Truly.
26. I am not to hawk t-shirts on 7 June with the slogan “I built a barricade in the Rue de la Chanvrerie and all I got were these lousy bullet holes.”
27. Not allowed to suggest the title “My Angst Ate My Suffering in a Meaningless Void of Existential Nihilism: A Poem” to Prouvaire, as he might actually write something for it.
28. The words “carbine spanking” are never to leave my lips ever again.
29. Asking Courfeyrac how many STDs he has is not an appropriate form of idle chitchat.
30. I must not refer to Enjolras’ vest as a “sniper magnet.”


  • ljlcer, or Chetta says:

    Great work! LOL while reading the 9th.
    Would you please allow me to translate these things into CHINESE & post somewhere? (may need your help in some sentenses : p)

  • ljlcer, or Chetta says:

    OH NO.
    It’d be SENTENCES.
    And post IT.

  • Naomi says:

    My Angst Ate My Suffering in a Meaningless Void of Existential Nihilism: A Poem

    it was like a slug
    my angst eating my suffr’ng
    the slug at the leaf

    (in this case the leaf
    was my angst eaten by my
    suffering) a hope

    that the reader might
    is that I would be left
    with happiness then

    from the destruction
    of my angst. but no! it was
    not to be for it

    just created a
    void a deep endless void of
    darkness of sad sad

    empty darkness and
    existential nihilism
    look! i wrote the poem

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